What to say, what to avoid, and what to do if they refuse help the first time.
Starting the conversation is often the hardest part. Families worry about anger, denial or making things worse. Some careful preparation helps.
Before you speak
- Pick a time when the person is sober and calm, and there is privacy.
- Agree with other close family members on what you want to say, so the person does not feel ambushed by different messages.
- Find out what help is available, so you can suggest a specific next step.
During the conversation
- Talk about specific things you have seen. "You missed your daughter's school function last week" is harder to argue with than "You always drink."
- Use "I" statements. "I feel scared when you come home late after drinking."
- Listen. Ask what they think is happening. They may already be worried themselves.
- Avoid labels such as "drunkard" or "addict". They shame people into defending themselves.
- Suggest one clear step: a single appointment to talk to a doctor.
If they say no
Do not argue or issue threats you will not carry out. Say you love them, that the offer stands, and come back to it another day. Many people agree on the second or third conversation.
In the meantime, you can get help for yourself. A counsellor can help you plan what to say next and how to protect yourself and your children.
When to act urgently
If there is violence, talk of suicide, or signs of severe withdrawal such as confusion or fits, do not wait for a conversation. Call 112.
This article is general information and not a substitute for advice from a doctor who has examined you.
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